Since the Hypothermic half I've had some time to think (and wonder where the hell my motivation went.) I've still been training, but it's a chore to start every workout. I'm at a loss as to why though. A couple of my theories:
1. Not doing as well as I'd hoped at the hypo has made me feel like I'm doing all this training and still 2nd last in my age group. Even though I know that I'm still recovering from an injury, did not specifically train for that race, and it's tough to compare a winter finishing time from a fall one. Somehow, it seems like my subconscious feeling of failing is winning
2.Is it just that point in the training? The point where you think I've been doing this for 5-6 days a week since November and still have 4 months to go. Specially when I know I've been at 7-8 hours a week and I'm going to top out at 15.
The knee is doing ok and I can run, but I still have pain when I run longer distances or outside on the ice. Every week I still go for my voodoo doll treatment, since it got to me to the half marathon finish line only two weeks after I couldn't run at all.
My weight is still hovering around 162 lbs. I know the meaning of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result. I know what I have to do - count those calories and stop eating crap, but where is the line? I started doing this to lose some weight since seeing my BMI one square from morbidly obese was a real eye opener. I've done that to the tune of 50lbs, but along the way I discovered a love for running and triathlon. It's not a competitiveness addiction, it's being addicted to accomplishing goals. I do this because I love the feeling of setting a goal and reaching it. It's the most empowering thing I've ever experienced.
Back to that line - where do I find balance and happiness in all of this? I love to reach those goals, but what good is it if I'm miserable because I can't have some ice cream or chocolate? I want to be healthy, but I don't want to give up everything I enjoy. If I want whipped cream on my mocha after a long run, I still think I should have it. I know the reason I haven't really pursued a registered dietician is because I know what they're going to say, and I don't want to hear it. I don't like fish, salmon, or dark leafy greens and I know they're going to tell me that's what I need to eat. I also know that dropping 10lbs would be nice and really help on race day. So where do I find balance? Maybe I don't, maybe I have to make a decision I can live with.
In the meantime, if anyone sees my motivation - can you send it back please?
