The end of a dream

Maybe the morning after watching your dream die isn't the best time to write a blog entry. Right now, it's 6am and I'm sitting here crying. I guess I should do the report first, and then talk about how I feel...

Tried to go to bed at 9:30 the night before, because we had to be up by 4:30. I couldn't sleep at all - I tossed and turned until midnight, then laid on the couch and watched tv for a bit until I finally fell asleep for a couple of hours before I woke up again. Once I got up, I ate my bagel, banana, and drank a boost. I was really happy I managed to get it all in - normally I'm so nervous on race day, I can't eat. We get our stuff ready and head to the race at 5:30 - drop off our special needs bags and get body marked. Got our stuff sorted, bike tires pumped up and then waited in a very  long line to use the bathroom one last time. We missed the elites starting because we were still in line. I was so nervous I kept gagging - like I was going to get sick, but I was determined to keep those calories in where I needed them. I took a gel, got on my wetsuit and headed to the beach. Saw a friend and my physiotherapist - who assured me that everyone feels sick, but I would be fine as soon as I started. The cannon goes off, and away we go. I was really nervous about the swim because I had gotten sick on every swim over an hour, and had only made it to 2200m; today I had 3.82kms to get done. As soon as I get start going, I feel a great draft - there are lots of people around me so drafting is easy. I have a lot of time to think about the challenge ahead of me but everything I read said to stay focused on the moment and avoid thinking and stressing about everything coming up. I am going along thinking about how great I feel, then I think that its early yet - you haven't hit that one hour mark yet. But as the swim goes on and I go around the second houseboat - I just tell myself that we're heading back to the beach now. I got a nice smack in the lip but that was way out in the water. On the way back to the beach, I felt fantastic - I was swimming strong and felt really happy. I get to the beach and see my husband and friend cheering for me, so I give them the thumbs up and tell them it was a piece of cake. While I'm getting my wetsuit taken off, I ask the strippers what time it is and they tell me its 8:43, which means I finished about 1:42 - my goal time!

Grab my gear, head in to the change tent, and take a seat. I don't want to rush, so I get changed, drink a Boost and take a gel to start replacing what I used up in the swim. As I come out of the tent, some girls ask me if I want sunscreen - glad to see them because I almost forgot that part. They put it on (but I realize later they didn't do my neck or face.) I grab my bike and head out of transition. Riding out of town was really cool - lots of people cheering everywhere and I felt good. Just as I'm getting out of town I get passed by Sister Madonna Bruder, a 78 year old nun doing her 35th Ironman. This woman is a legend in the world of Ironman and a huge inspiration because so many people say they are too old to be active. We come to a small hill and I pass her again. As I'm passing her I turned and said, "I never thought I'd see the day I'd be out on a race course with you." She smiled. As I was riding, I was eating half of my bagel (as planned) and drinking Nuun. It is so hard for me to eat because I just don't want to but I bonked from not having enough in me last time I rode this course so it was imperative for me to follow the plan. About 10km in to the ride, I'm not feeling so good. I stopped to use the washroom but that didn't help. As I'm passing some very nice spectators, up it came; I held it long enough to pass the spectators though. I would have felt really bad if I got sick on them! Then I start climbing Mclean Creek Road and suddenly feel sweaty/clammy and dizzy so I get off my bike and threw up 3 or 4 times. The other riders were so supportive as they were going by, telling me I can still do this and to keep going. I got back on my bike and managed to keep riding but was hugely disappointed because I knew I had just lost all my nutrition and I wasn't carrying much more with me. I tried to keep drinking the Perpetuem but it made me feel sick every time I took some. I was drinking Nuun but it tasted awful. The only thing that was going down good were the gels and by the 40km mark I was getting low already. As I'm riding, my husband comes by in a vehicle and asks how I'm doing. I tell him that I feel ok but had already thrown up a few times. This section of the ride is fairly flat but by this time it was really hot and there was a big head wind. I was trying to keep my HR low so I could conserve energy for the very challenging hills coming up but the head wind was making it difficult because you use up a lot of energy riding in to the wind. My stomach is still queasy but I'm trying to force bagel pieces and perpetuem down.  Sometimes I can see other riders but there are times when the road bends and I couldn't see anyone. I had imagined race day to be a lot more crowded with lots of people cheering but there were times it was no different then our training ride. The people cheering were awesome though. I can't stomach the Nuun anymore so I grab a bottle of water at the aide station and dump it in my holder, and take a banana whenever they are on offer because I know those always stay down. I have electrolyte tablets but only brought 8 - 1 for every hour and the last one I took went down sideways and almost caused me to start puking again. 

I get to Richters pass and take a deep breath - this is the part where I can't let my head get too far ahead of me. I start riding up and don't feel too bad but ran out of water at one point. My neck was really stinging - I thought it was chafing from my wetsuit but then I realized that I had no sunscreen on my neck or face! Tried to ignore the pain and just keep riding. I see my friends cheering and they are awesome but I'm miserable and don't want to talk to anyone. I keep going, and there is a downhill but I don't even have the strength to use the momentum to get going. I'm just coasting down the hill really slow (because of the head wind) and getting angry because I need the momentum to climb the next hill but I just can't do it. I realize that my race may be coming to an end really soon. As I get to the hill, I stand on my pedals to push and my quads start seizing. Suddenly my mouth felt REALLY dry. I knew my body was crashing. 

I get to the aide station at the top and see my husband and friends there. They are cheering me on but I just pulled over and stopped. I told him that I didn't think I could go on. He tried to encourage me and tell me that I still had lots of time and just take a little rest, get some nutrition and keep going. I start crying because I can't tell if I'm just giving up because I don't have the mental strength to do this race or if my body really is done. Suddenly I start to feel really dizzy so I try to get off my bike. I dropped it on the ground and just laid down right in the gravel because I was about to pass out. The volunteers are the aide station are great - offering my water/gatorade, to phone someone etc. When I get the strength to stand up, I move over to the shade, but the only shade available was behind the port-a-potty (which is funny now but I didn't care at the time.) I lay down and can't keep my eyes open, my HR was still 109 even though I'd been laying down for a while so I ask the volunteers to get me some medical assistance. I was thinking a drip would help get some salt back in to my body. The paramedics come and check my blood pressure, blood sugar levels and my electrolytes. They tell me that my electrolytes are all out of whack and I'm done for the day. They tell me to just lay down and take some water but not to guzzle it. Then they are called to go and see someone else. I took another electrolyte tablet and drank some water. After about 15 minutes, I finally feel able to sit up. Lawrence loads up my bike. My friend that came to watch was thinking of possibly signing up for next year. I figured seeing what happened to me was enough to turn anyone off this sport. 

As we're driving back I feel ok at points and really dizzy and tired at other points. We get to town, I go back to the start/finish area, hand in my chip and get my stuff (after walking through town in socks because my only shoes were my biking ones.) As I'm going, the volunteers offer me food and medical which I refused since I already had help. I see another guy walking around with all of his gear so I didn't feel so alone. We both go and grab some soup. He tells me he came here from England to qualify for Kona but dropped his salt tablets at the beginning of the bike and his muscles were seizing by 10 miles - he was second overall at the time. Makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one that gave up a lot to be here and  not finish. 

For the rest of the day, I just try to keep hydrating. I thought I would sleep for a while but I never did. After getting cleaned up, I went down to the run course to cheer on my friends. I was so proud of them but it was so hard to watch everyone else achieving my dream. 

I promised myself and my husband that I wouldn't do this again. I'm not a natural athlete - this took a ton of hard work for me to get here. I trained as hard as I possibly could, and have been at the point of exhaustion for a while now. That affects your home, social and work life, and made me miserable. Like I said, I haven't really enjoyed this journey but I thought achieving the dream would make it all better since I could look back and say I worked so hard but look where it got me! Now I just look at all the hard work and feel like it was for nothing. I didn't become an Ironman. My story feels unfinished but I just don't have the determination and tenacity to go through all that again to come back and try a second time. Today was supposed to be my big celebration - where I got to go and buy a jacket that said Ironman Finisher! Hold on to the medal and feel the biggest achievement of my life. Instead, I feel like a loser. I see people that didn't work as hard or sacrifice as much and they finished. I know people that do this without putting in very much effort at all. I guess there is no glory in that but there is no glory in failing either. I pictured myself crossing that finish line a million times. Words can't even express how sad and disappointed I feel today.